Entry 5: Life Goes On

Posted by Sherri Viner on March 22, 2015 at 2:05 AM

The next morning came, as it always does, whether I wanted it to or not. I didn't have much time to think or sort out what I was feeling about the news we just received. I had work to finish, an overly active kiddo who wants all of my attention, and a house to clean before Jimmy’s parents got in town. The visit was planned before we got our news and I wish we didn't have to have this “thing” hanging over us. Regardless, it’s always nice to have family around and honestly I really needed the diversion of having guests.

That night Jimmy came home at about the same time his parents arrived. He came in and had a fancy little bag with him. He had texted me earlier in the day and said he got me a present. When I got the text, I thought it was really sweet of him but I didn't think much of it and figured it was something small to cheer me up. I was excited to open it but I was nervous because I had an audience. I hate opening gifts in front of people because I’m not very animated and so I probably don’t give the feedback they are expecting. It doesn't mean I don’t love whatever the gift was, I’m just terrible at receiving things. I took out a small box, the kind that holds a ring. It was a diamond ring in the shape of a heart. It fit perfectly between James and Alexander's birth stone rings. Jimmy then asks if I like it and of course I did and he proceeded to tell me the story of how he came about getting it and the other part of the gift.

He tells me that he was at the mall with one of his soldiers who wanted to look at a men’s watch at the jewelry store. While they were there he saw a diamond heart pendant and some of the perpetual diamond necklaces. One thing led to another and he finds himself telling the people at the jewelry store the story about Nicholas. One of the jewelers then says that he just got in a single heart shaped diamond which apparently they never get. He offered to take the diamond and custom mount it in the center of the heart pendant to make it look like it's in motion. Jimmy then tells me that he got it as my anniversary present but mainly because it represented our baby and this way Nicholas’ heart would always beat. Well, who wouldn't fall to pieces after that story! My eyes were watering but I managed to keep myself composed. Had my in-laws not been there, I probably would have been a blubbering idiot. Just remembering it and writing about it makes me tear up again. Then he says the ring was basically thrown in for free. It made me have a quiet chuckle to myself because if you don’t know Jimmy, he always likes to feel like he got a good deal.

The next evening we all went out to dinner to the Olive Garden which I love. Anyone who doesn't like their bread sticks and salad is crazy. We were there celebrating our anniversary. As we were being greeted by our waitress, she offered us a sample of one of their wines. She went around the table and everyone agreed and when it came to me, I of course declined. She said something like are you sure- you are celebrating your anniversary? I froze for a second and Jimmy jumped in and said no she can’t she’s pregnant. Then in a loud voice for everyone in the building to hear, she says something like oh my, congratulations, blah, blah, blah. I can’t remember it very well because I was embarrassed she was talking so loud and I kind of wanted to just hide under the table. I had to put on my happy face and gave a little smile. It wasn't her fault, she didn't know and it’s only natural to react like that. It’s only going to get worse as I start to show more and more and everyone will inevitably want to touch and ask when I’m due. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy to be pregnant but when people ask, it reminds me of what a wonderful happy time it should be. Even though it is a blessing, this time in our lives is full of uncertainty and worry.

We stopped at the mall to pick up the necklace, only Jimmy and I went in. It wasn't done but Jimmy wanted to pick it up so I could see it all together with the diamond mounted in the center. We would have to bring it back to get the custom mounting done though. It was beautiful, but even more so because it represented so much! Jimmy put it on me before we left and as soon as I turned away from the people at the store I started to cry a bit. You’d think by now with all the crying I've done that I wouldn't have any more tears. Somehow they always seem to come though.

The rest of the visit with our guests was nice. We just took it easy and hung out most of the time. We brought up what was happening with Nicholas just briefly a couple of times. I found myself talking about it almost at a third person kind of distance. I probably just sounded matter of fact about it all, even though on the inside I was fighting back all sorts of emotions. I did find some quiet moments to myself, like when Jimmy took his parents to the store, to have a brief little cry. Sometimes I would wait until everyone in the house was sleeping and I’d quietly cry myself to sleep. I’m not sure if I’ll ever stop crying for our Nicholas...

It’s only been a week since we found out the news and Jimmy and I are already so tired of feeling so helpless. Nothing we can do right now will fix our baby. So instead we are doing what we can and putting our energies into something that will make a difference. We are trying to educate ourselves on this disorder, running a fundraising campaign for charity, and passing along our story to help spread awareness.

Categories: March 2015

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