|Posted by Sherri Viner on April 15, 2015 at 9:30 AM|
It’s been a while since my last post. I still find it difficult to actual try to articulate what’s going on in my head. Since my last posts I’ve gotten into some closed heterotaxy communities on facebook. Everyone is very supportive but in the same breath, it also brings reality to the forefront. I see all these families and children going through these unimaginable things and it’s like we are given our very own mirror on the wall to show us our future. I can hardly imagine being able to go through it all and pray we’ll have the strength.
I’ve been trying to keep busy and I’ve really submerged myself into our new nonprofit venture. Initially, I questioned myself many times as to the reason I was doing it, was it just to keep myself occupied through all of this? I’ve had to ask myself the some hard questions, like what if something horrible happens to Nicholas- will I lose interest or desire to pursue the nonprofit mission? I always come back to the fact that this feels “right.” It’s hard to describe, but I think this may be my direction and one of my purposes in life. I’ve always been envious of those people that just knew what they wanted to do with their lives and had a so called calling. I could never relate and I always wondered if I’d ever grow up and get mine, I think this may finally be it.
Despite keeping busy the fact that there is something wrong with our baby never leaves me. The overwhelming sense of sadness has subsided, but the worry and concern remain. I think it’s just natural of any parent but maybe even more so for parents with children with special needs. I conceded that this is just a glimmer into my new “normal.”
I’m just one day away from the doctor’s appointment that we’ve been waiting for what feels like an eternity. The wait leading up to this day has been excruciating long. I’ve gotten an idea of things to come from other stories and families that I’ve seen but each case is so individualized. We still have so many unknowns in front of us and that’s the scariest thing to tackle. I’ve been left to my own thoughts which can be a dangerous thing. My mind will start to drift into the darkest parts of my thoughts, and suddenly I’ll feel a flurry of kicks. Almost as if Nicholas is telling me that he’s a fighter too and to not lose hope.
Categories: April 2015