Entry 14: What the Heart Wants

Posted by Sherri Viner on June 24, 2015 at 12:10 AM

About 8 weeks left until my due date and I’m feeling the third trimester woes. At this stage, I’m beginning to feel as if I’m never going to not be pregnant. Seeing my feet from a standing position, throwing back a cold beer or diet coke, sipping on a hot cup of coffee in the morning, and taking an overwhelmingly hot bubble bath while drinking a glass of wine, those all seem but a distant memory now. As I await fate and the arrival of our baby boy, I’m also saying goodbye to the life I used to have. The life that didn’t include having to worry about becoming a parent to a child will medical needs. Although I am very anxious to actually deliver and meet Nicholas, I also know that as long as I’m carrying him, he’s alive and well.

As much as it would surprise people, I’m actually an optimist at heart but life happened and it has jaded me into being the cynical person I’ve become. So now, I’m left in a personal purgatory of sorts. I want to carry hope that all will be well with Nicholas but it’s a fine line I’m trying to allow myself to walk. I don’t want to have too much hope, if that’s even such a thing. I just figure that if I don’t get my expectations up too high or if I anticipate the worst, then I won’t be as devastated and I won’t be left feeling as blindsided. Even as I write this now, I can already see my controlling nature coming out...and as much as I’m trying to guard myself emotionally from events that are about to unfold, somehow my head can’t seem to tell my heart what to feel and I’m left with this internal struggle.

My heart wants to daydream about how Alexander and Nicholas will grow up together and be the best of friends or even the most troublesome duo that ever lived to frustrate their parents. I want to picture the family vacations that haven’t happened yet with all of us together; Alexander and Nicholas running around in Disneyworld and James thinking he’s too big but then finds that he’s just a big kid and probably has more fun than the little ones. My heart says that our little guy is a fighter and I want to believe that he’s going to defy all the odds no matter how high the chips are stacked against him and one day when Jimmy & I are old, we’ll sit and think back to this worrisome time and marvel at how far we’ve come and how blessed we’ve been. As surely as I can see those beautiful pictures of our future in my mind, I’m halted by reality and my pragmatic mind reigns me back and says, don’t get too comfortable with those thoughts because realistically, Nicholas may never be well enough to do those things or worse yet, he may not make it.

I’m sure to some of you that even letting myself think this way is unsettling and maybe you can’t understand how I can even be here. It’s true, it is unsettling. No mother wants to even entertain in the slightest bit that their child could die. Maybe to some my faith in God must not be strong enough, but to those I say that it’s as strong as ever but I’m still as human as ever too. I’ve been dancing back and forth, in and out of this dark place since we found out about Nicholas’ condition. I can only imagine that this is a small taste of what hell is like and it’s such an agonizing place to be; living in the middle of somewhere between hope and despair, never knowing how exactly to feel, and not knowing what will come.

Although this entry is written with a bit of a heavy tone, I know in the end that it’s not all doom and gloom. I know that there are brighter days ahead and that this is but a moment or a lesson in the course of a lifetime. There are so many that are taken too soon in unforeseen and tragic ways. So in a strange way, it turns out that we may be the lucky ones. We have gained a greater appreciation for just how delicate life is and we will be able to cherish every second with Nicholas.

For now though, I’m just going to let my dueling thoughts and emotions run their course. I hope to use this experience and time in my life to reflect and make myself a stronger and better person having gone through it.

Update from today’s doctor’s appointment: Nicholas is growing at a perfect rate and is approximately 4 pounds. The ultrasound tech said that it looks like he has a lot of hair. He wasn’t positioned in a way to get any good shots today and he has managed to turn himself breech at the moment and I’m hoping he turns again before the big dance. I will practically be living at the doctor’s office starting this week with 2 appointments per week peppered with routine visits and additional growth ultrasounds.


Categories: June 2015

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