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Entry 15: Last Holiday?

Posted by Sherri Viner on July 10, 2015 at 10:30 AM

I was doing some reflecting about this past Fourth of July as it was our last holiday before Nicholas’ arrival. We are so blessed to be Americans in which we are able to give Nicholas an opportunity for a better quality of life. It seems only fitting that our last holiday was Independence Day, a celebration of freedom and liberty built around a nation that started with what seemed as the impossible dream. America had very humble and scary beginnings but persevered as a nation of people determined to live free against all odds. A nation under God, with unalienable rights endowed equally to all — among these life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Who doesn’t love a great underdog story?!

 


It was a strange fourth this year because it was very low-key and quiet since it was just the four of us. We are usually the ones holding the party but it was such a nice change of pace to enjoy the day with just our family. We ended up eating the typical barbeque foods and managed to watch the fireworks displays around our house provided by all of our neighbors. Jimmy and I debated whether or not to get some fireworks and we looked at them every time we were at the store but the actual day kind of snuck up on us. I felt a bit bad for not grabbing some at the last minute and we decided to make sure to be better prepared for next year since Nicholas will be close to hitting a really big milestone of turning 1. That thought got me thinking about the fact that I’ve never really done anything half way before and so I shouldn’t start now... I’ve been in an emotional tug of war with myself and trying to ration out how much emotion I should and shouldn’t be feeling. But I’ve decided that half measures are not what are needed and I’m letting go of the thoughts that are keeping me back from all the hopes and dreams for Nicholas.

 


So I write this to you my son:


Nicholas, ever since we found out that you were going to have health issues, I’ve been full of worry. I’ve gone through the spectrum of emotions and I’ve cried many times to the point where I had no more tears. Somewhere along the journey, I think I may have lost my way though. In my sorrow and fear for you, I almost forgot; forgot the fact that I’m a really tough mom and perhaps this is why God chose me to be your mother. You are no different than your brothers and I’m going to be hard on you and expect the very most from you always as I do for them. You should expect no less from me, so I’ll put away my thoughts of sadness, worry, fear, and pity. I’ll be the mom you need and deserve right now and just love you. The mom that is strong and full of grit. The mom that has enough will and fight for the both of us. Just remember that you’re of my blood, you grew from within me. We don’t give up, we never give up…


Your dad and I have placed you in our future hopes and dreams; put you in our thoughts and prayers. We see you at our holiday events, family trips, and pictures. We’ve already made room for you in our hearts along with a room for you in the house we are going to build. So you see my love, I know you’re going to make it because we’ve made plans for you. It’s a spot that can only be filled by you. So when you decide that you’re ready, we’ll be waiting.


Love Mom.

 

Categories: July 2015

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1 Comment

Reply Tania Rucker
11:29 AM on July 10, 2015 
Brought tears to my eyes. Nicholas is going to be a fighter. I can see that it is in his blood. I can relate to every single word and emotion you are going through Sherri! Your warrior deserves nothing less than the best of you... Be strong when you can be and be weak when you need to be... Your other boys need to see your reality and witness your raw emotions on display. Avoid building walls to guard your heart... Tears are NOT a sign of weakness... They are gifts from God. Blessings to the Viner family!