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Entry 16: The Blur

Posted by Sherri Viner on August 7, 2015 at 5:05 AM

It’s been a while since my last entry. Despite my anxiousness to not being pregnant anymore and being able to finally meet our little guy, I'm trying to enjoy and soak in these last days of pregnancy. This task is proving to be a bit more difficult than one would think since I'm not the most patient of folks but in the back of my mind I know that once Nicholas is born, the journey ahead of us will be forever life altering. So while my days are filled with the uncomfortable aches and pains of pregnancy, I’m trying very hard to just relish every minute and remember to breathe and be in the moment. I have a feeling that soon I'll be missing these simple days…

 


I think I’ve done well in these last few weeks of just enjoying the idea of welcoming a new baby into our lives and putting aside for a moment all things related to Nicholas’ upcoming health issues. It’s nice to take a break because it seems that no matter how much you hope and stay positive, worry and doubt seem to linger about and is never too far away. I will admit that in the last couple of weeks, I had one moment where I felt an immense sense of guilt. I was just going about my normal day and it hit me suddenly like a semi-truck. The feeling washed over me and I couldn’t help but feel the gravity and responsibility of knowing that I was going to put my innocent baby through all the pains and cruelties of multiple surgeries. At times, this whole thing feels a bit unnatural. On the one hand, as a mother I want to protect my children from pain but I know what Nicholas is going to be up against and it feels a bit wrong. On the other hand, because I want to protect my children and want the best for them, I justify the means for potentially a better end.

 


I’ve mentioned in previous posts about being pulled emotionally in separate directions. I’ve come to realize that that is the common vein through this journey so far and right now I’m left to live in a world filled with shades of grey; a constant blur between the black and white. But perhaps there is a greater lesson to be learned; how do we know that what we see is truly clear if we’ve never seen things a little blurry…

 

Categories: August 2015

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