Entry 18: Déjà Vu & God too

Posted by Sherri Viner on December 28, 2015 at 4:05 AM

Well here I am again, we’ve been on quite the journey with many new experiences but I’m back in this all too familiar place. I know that it’s due to the looming surgery and I can feel it; they are making their way back to the surface. I realize that I’m starting to cycle through a lot of the same emotions I had going into Nicholas' first surgery even though I’m not a newb this time around. Not being a newbie just means that we know by heart where the cafeteria is, we know which floor the intensive care unit is on, we know what the monitors are measuring, and we are better informed about what we should bring this stay but all the fear, the nerves, and feelings of anxiousness are still there. I can hardly breathe when I think about the fact in just a few short days we will have to put his life in the surgeon’s hands yet again. And right before they wheel him away to surgery, we will get what feels like the briefest of moments to kiss him and tell him how much we love him.

There is the darkness that hovers over this journey we are on and it can show itself without a moment’s notice. It happens when someone gifts Nicholas a nine month outfit and the first thought wasn’t to take the tags off and wash it to be worn. The first thought was to keep it, but to put it aside with all the tags on it “just in case”. It happens when I am reading the posts of those in the heart community and a child has taken a turn for the worse. Although each of us has our own unique story to tell, I know that what they are going through with their child could just as easily happen to mine. It happens when there are conversations about our future. I know that we won’t leave Grand Rapids as long as Nicholas is alive but we can’t ever plan too far ahead. It can be so unnerving; the lingering feeling that is always there. Feeling like the other shoe is going to drop but not knowing when. The truth of it is, I’m holding on so tight that I’m completely crumbled. The reality is that there is always “that” possibility and despite the progress or positive strides made, it is a constant companion whether we admit it to ourselves or not.

Fortunately, I have a relationship with God. He knows that I still struggle with this though. I still ask Him to show me why we were chosen to be Nicholas’ parents and to grant me peace to quiet my worries. I am not struggling with our decision to have Nicholas because he has been such a blessing and has brought so much joy and fullness to our lives; I’m struggling with my own fears and doubts. It’s hard to understand why such terrible things happen and it is even harder to explain it and hold on to faith through it. Although I can’t always see or understand it, I know that there is a greater plan and I don’t believe God chooses any of us or wants us to struggle with a sick child; I believe He walks alongside us and cries along with us.


Categories: December 2015

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