Entry 21: Always come back

Posted by Sherri Viner on October 14, 2017 at 3:30 AM

I’ve already failed in my mission to write more frequently and it’s obvious that I need to keep working at it. I always feel better after I mind dump a little through writing because there are entirely too many sleepless nights where my mind just races with thoughts. Some are even of the coherent nature. Then the internal struggle between peace of mind and needing sleep commences, most nights lately have moved towards sleep.

I realize that most of my inner brain babblings are completely Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde. A lot of this journey has been a back and forth of emotions and progress. It’s clear from the entries I’ve written where in some, I am low and in others, I am in a high. That’s a big part of this journey, trying to navigate through, trying to balance, and trying making sense of it all. Trying is the operative word there.

We are coming up on day 13 of our trip. So far it has been amazing! The pictures I’m taking and posting nearly every day are helping catalog every step so we can look back on these memories. We’ve experienced so many new firsts for not only Nicholas but for the other little kids too. Playgrounds, beaches, pools, and overall what seems like a whole new word to them. Jimmy and I find ourselves saying things like "that was great, we should reserve this for next year." Then reality sets in and we know that we can't plan for anything a year from now because we could potentially be headed into Nicholas' third open heart surgery. We then quickly say, "We’ll have to plan and book a long vacation for like 3 months after he's been given the green light post operation." In saying those words, we are also saying what isn't being said, which is that we really don't know what the next year will bring. And honestly, that fear can be so damn paralyzing at times. I hate this part. I hate that I look at his Nick’s precious face and the thoughts are so uncomfortably familiar.

And then I’m there again. But, I know I can't live there. You know the place and space in your mind; that place where dreams and hopes go but they never return. The place where the devil's darkness consumes your every breath with pain, sorrow, anger, frustration, and it starts to blacken our hearts. As soon as it all seems too much, I inhale slowly, and exhale even slower. I have to remind myself to just breathe. Breathe in the knowledge that God has an ultimate plan. Breathe out the internal voice of doubt and the need to control it all.

And as quick as I went, I come back. I say to myself “No matter what, always come back.” 

Categories: October 2017

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